The number one question I get asked as someone in an open relationship is:
“How do you not get jealous?”
My answer?
I do get jealous. I’m human.
Non-monogamy brings out a full spectrum of emotions, from excitement and joy to fear, grief, and yes, jealousy. No amount of reading or planning can fully prepare you for the emotional waves that come with opening a relationship.
You’ll feel the highs.
You’ll feel the lows.
And you’ll face one very personal question:
Are the positive emotions worth working through the hard ones?
For many of us, jealousy is the hardest.
I am posting this video for free! This is the 6th video in my Couple’s Guide to Opening Up course, and today’s focus is emotional management. If you’ve followed the earlier videos, you know we’ve covered how to start the conversation, create a first phase, set boundaries, and communicate clearly.
But in this one, I want to go deeper than the video.
In the video, I left out one key thing—a practice that changed how I experience jealousy.
Since I recorded the video, I’ve researched, hosted events, and learned more than I knew then. So, I’ve written up my approach (and even included worksheets) below.
Can You Control Your Emotions?
The short answer: not really.
Emotions are reactions of our nervous system, influenced by neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and adrenaline. Daily life, including sleep, food, stress, and relationships, also significantly impacts them.
We might not control what we feel, but we can manage how we respond to those emotions. And that starts with one simple but powerful practice:
Remove “I should feel…” from your vocabulary.
Society, family, and movies tell us what we’re supposed to feel.
But in real life, your emotions might not match those scripts.
You might expect to feel jealous seeing your partner with someone else, but actually feel turned on.
You might expect to feel joy when they’re happy, but find yourself feeling anger or sadness.
The first step is to be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, not what you think you should feel.
The Big Question: What Happens When You Get Jealous?
Jealousy is a signal telling you that something important feels threatened. It’s rooted in fear and insecurity.
Rather than ignoring it, blaming others, or beating myself up, I try to:
Recognize it. I say out loud, “I feel jealous.” Sometimes I even say it in the mirror.
Own it. My jealousy is my responsibility.
Breathe. Deep, intentional breaths help calm my nervous system.
Ask “why?” Again and again—until I reach the root.
Once you find the root cause, you can have more productive conversations.
For example, instead of saying "I’m jealous of your date," you can say, "I feel like we haven’t had quality time together lately."
Clearer communication makes it easier to find solutions together—whether that's reassurance, more dates, new boundaries, or something else.
I feel responsible for my own emotions, but a partner who cares about me also cares about my emotions and wants to support me in solving them.
So here’s how I dig deeper!
And much deeper than I do in my video.
Have you ever heard of the 5 Whys exercise? Borrowed from the business world, this practice is shockingly effective for emotional processing. I started doing it for myself when I felt jealous. It's as simple as it sounds: when you feel jealous, ask yourself “Why?” five times.
You’ll often find that beneath the jealousy is something deeper—fear of being replaced, feeling unseen, unmet needs, or stories you're telling yourself.
Here's an example from my own life:
Trigger: My husband planned a weekend away at a hotel in Napa for his girlfriend.
Why did that make me jealous? Because that’s something that I want to do with him. I want to go to hotels in wine country, but I’ll be stuck home with the kids.
Why? He planned the trip. Usually I am the one who has to plan all the trips together because I’m the one that likes ‘activities.’
Why? He doesn’t like to plan, but he’s willing to make more effort with her than he is for me.
Why? If he makes more effort with her, he values her more than me.
Why? If he values her more than me, then he could replace me.
These realizations are vulnerable—but powerful.
When I name the deeper fear, I can do something about it.
I can ask for what I need, rather than stay stuck in silent resentment.
If you want to try this exercise yourself, I’ve included a worksheet below. Use it next time jealousy arises — you might be surprised by what you uncover.
And now what?
From Fear to Truth: A Simple Practice That Grounds Me
Once I reach that root fear, I write it down. Plain and simple. No sugarcoating. No judgment.
Here’s mine:
My husband could replace me.
Then, I counter it with the truth. I write down facts that anchor me in reality, not fear.
Here are some of mine:
I am not replaceable as a partner or mother to our children.
My value to our marriage is more important than weekends in Napa.
My husband enjoys spending time with his girlfriend, but this does not change how much he also enjoys spending time with me.
My husband is with me because he values me. I add value to his life.
My partner is with me because he loves me. I trust his love.
This shift, from fear to truth, helps me regulate my emotions and reconnect with my own sense of worth. It’s a reminder that I don’t have to believe every thought or fear I have, especially when I’m vulnerable, or in my case, perimenopausal.
As a paid subscriber, you can access the rest of the course, A Couple’s Guide to Opening Up, and support me in creating more content for this incredible community!
If you’re feeling brave, I invite you to share in the comments:
A recent jealousy trigger
What did you uncover when you asked “Why?”
The root fear underneath your jealousy
You don’t have to have it all figured out—start by being honest.
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