How to Set the Right Pace When Opening Up Your Relationship

I’m tackling a question I get asked all the time: How long does it take to open up a relationship? Well, spoiler: there's no set timeline.

When Rich and I opened up our relationship, it wasn’t a quick process. We spent the first two years of our relationship reading books and articles. Given the limited information about polyamory and alternative relationships in 2010, we poured over everything we could find. We talked to Rich’s friend, someone who had been polyamorous for a few years. She shared her list of rules in her partnerships, which gave us a starting point. We went to a swinger’s club together. I kissed someone and told Rich about it. He kissed someone and told me about it. He went on a date. Then I did. But he didn’t like that I went to one of our favorite restaurants, and we talked about why. We had a threesome. He hooked up with someone but didn’t tell me until a week later, which I didn’t like. I told him why.

And through slow, experimental trial and error—poking and prodding, testing and explaining, and understanding—I eventually decided and felt confident enough to say, “Yes, we’re in an open relationship.”

Each relationship is unique, and the journey of opening up should go at your own pace—whether that’s fast, slow, or somewhere in the middle.

So, what sets the speed? In the second video of my series, I’m diving into the key factors that can influence how quickly or slowly you and your partner(s) might want to explore non-monogamy, including:

• What stage your relationship is in 🌱💍

• Your attachment styles 😍😬

• Whether you’re non-monogamous by nature or by choice

• And, of course, how high the stakes feel 🎲

One thing I’ve learned from teaching skiing is that in any group, we always go at the pace of the slowest person. And honestly, the same rule applies to relationships. The key is moving at a speed that keeps everyone feeling safe, connected, and on the same page.

Instead of setting some hard-and-fast deadline (who needs that kind of pressure?!), I recommend thinking in phases—little steps that let you figure things out together. Whether it's a timeline for your first phase or just regular check-ins to see how it’s all going, the goal is to build something that works for both of you.

Oh, and to make this easier, I’ve attached a worksheet below to help you and your partner(s) figure out what your first phase might look like compared to future phases. 🍷📝 Pen and a glass of wine are recommended!