If you’ve made it this far, or even if you only watched one video, thank you.
When I first created A Couples Guide to Opening Up, I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I just knew it needed to exist. This content is what I wish I’d had 15 years ago when we were stumbling through our first conversations about non-monogamy.
Filming the series forced me to get clear on what I believe, what I’ve learned, and what’s useful to say out loud. Of course, the moment I hit publish, I started thinking about everything I wanted to tweak or add. It could have been better!
But if I have a motto right now, it’s this:
100% done is better than not done, but perfect.
Whether you're here because you're curious, actively exploring, or years deep in non-monogamy, your input seriously matters.
This short survey (really, less than a minute) will help me figure out what to make next.
Videos? Stories? Something deeper or weirder? Please let me know.👇
The Big Takeaway
There’s a quote on Esther Perel’s website that I love:
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”
And that’s what Beyond Boundaries is really about. Not about “doing non-monogamy right.” Not about replicating anyone else’s version. But about designing a relationship, monogamous or not, that enables you to live the life you want for yourself.
Making your own mistakes. And then giving yourself permission to keep changing.
For what it’s worth, Rich and I opened our relationship 15 years ago. We’ve had time to screw it up, learn things the hard way, and try again. We’re still figuring it out.
So please, don’t compare your beginning to my middle.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. Just be honest about where you are.
Didn’t watch the full series? Here’s the TL;DR:
1. The Initial Conversation 👉 Watch the video
✨ Know your why. Don’t just say what you want—explain what’s not working, and let your partner become part of the solution. Opening up is one solution, not the only one.
2. Timing 👉 Watch the video
✨ There’s no perfect time. Go at the pace of the slowest person.
3. Phases 👉 Watch the video
✨ You don’t need to go from monogamy to polyamory overnight. Think in phases. Take baby steps. Set boundaries for where you are now. Then adjust as you go.
4. Communicating Clearly 👉 Watch the video
✨ Be honest with yourself. That’s the only way to be honest with anyone else.
5. Boundaries & Rules 👉 Watch the video
✨ Think through who, what, where, when, and especially, why. Rules only build trust if they’re honored. Change them if needed, but don’t break them without discussion.
6. Managing Emotions 👉 Watch the video
✨ Feelings aren’t facts, but they are real. Ask “why” over and over again until you hit something honest. It’s better to address what’s underneath the feeling of jealousy than just reacting to the trigger.
Each of these videos can stand alone, but together, they’re like a starter kit.
Something to return to when you need a reminder or a nudge. 👉 Watch the full series
Build Trust vs. Don’t Break Trust
I believe the best time to open your relationship (or do anything new and vulnerable) is when things are good. When you feel safe, seen, and like your relationship is sturdy enough to withstand a little chaos.
Because opening up is a renovation. It’s exciting. It’s messy. And sometimes it reveals stuff you didn’t know was hiding behind the walls.
We opened up from the very beginning, which meant that boundaries, rules, and communication were how we built trust. Brick by brick.
Is it harder to open up early on or years into a relationship? Honestly, I don’t know. But here’s what I have noticed:
When you open from the start, boundaries and communication are tools to build trust.
When you’ve been together a while, those same tools are more about not destroying the trust you have already cemented in place.
Either way, the goal isn’t to get it “right.”
And if you’ve spent time reading, researching, or reflecting on non-monogamy and then decided, “nope, hard pass”. Amazing. Now you know!
What I’ve heard from many people is that even if they ultimately decide non-monogamy isn’t for them, the process still strengthened the foundation. They communicated more clearly. They asked bigger questions. They reinforced parts of the relationship they didn’t even realize needed attention. They walked away more connected, no matter what they chose to build next.
I hope that’s true for you too.
P.S.
Thanks again for being here. You make this work worth doing.
Got 60 seconds? I’d love to know what content you want from me next!
👉 Take the quick poll 👇
Share this post