Why Does Non-Monogamy Feel Lonely?

Ever asked yourself one of these questions? And if so, you are not alone.

• Does jealousy ever go away?

• What if my partner is dating... and I’m not?

• Can you be non-monogamous and still have a deep commitment?

• Will I ever stop feeling so alone in this?

If you’ve asked any version of those questions lately, you’re not alone. And I share my story related to this below.

But first, I want to let you know that I am hosting In Good Company, a live, supportive event for people navigating non-monogamy, whether you're ENM-curious or years into the journey. Think of it as the group chat your monogamous friends can’t quite offer. No experts, no pressure. Just real people sharing real stories.

🗓️ Saturday, June 22nd
9 PM UK / 4 PM EST / 1 PM PST
👉 Join the June event » Register here.

🗓️ Saturday, July 13th
9 PM UK / 4 PM EST / 1 PM PST
👉 Join the July event » Register here.

Sometimes all we need is someone saying, “Yes. That’s normal. I’ve felt that too.” Which is what I needed to hear 10 years ago, before I had kids, before I married Rich, back when we lived in Seattle, Washington. Sage was doing my makeup for the Seattle Pride event. And she was my first friend also in an open relationship.

She was also a burlesque dancer, complete with the costumes and makeup palettes that come with the profession. At that moment, she wore a tight, bright purple corset. And not much else. Feathers stood straight up, an elaborate mohawk from the headdress on top of her head. Her arms shimmered with colorful bangles, and tattooed gold swirls wrapped around her skin. She would carry two giant feathered wings in the parade. Her face had been meticulously painted, bright purple lashes stretching into tiny feathers at the tips.

But right then, I wasn’t allowed to look at her. She was face-painting detailed flowers and intricate vines down the side of my face, and I had to keep perfectly still, eyes locked on the mirror in front of me. I had already been chastised for wiggling. But I had questions I desperately wanted to ask.

Sage was also in an open relationship, even though she had never told me directly. I had recently found out from a mutual friend, and I couldn’t help myself.

“Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“Not if you keep still,” she said, snapping playfully but smiling.

I swallowed hard. “Rich and I… we’re in an, um—an open relationship.” I exhaled. “Have been for a while.”

“Mmhmm,” she said, dipping a fine-tipped brush into something sparkly.

“Are you?” I said, turning my head slightly, but she pushed my chin to face the mirror again.

“Mmhmm,” she responded again, as if I’d asked whether she was vegetarian.

“I guess… we’ve moved in together. It’s getting serious,” I started. “And I keep wondering… how do I know it’s real if he still wants to be open? You have two boyfriends, but it seems serious with them, too. So, how do I know?

She didn’t look up, just kept tracing a thin line of glitter along my cheekbone. “Know what?”

“That the relationship is serious. Even though we’re open.”

She let out a quiet laugh. “The same way you know it’s serious when you’re monogamous. You just know.”

I hesitated. “Even though I get jealous?”

She met my eyes briefly in the mirror, then went back to painting. “Jealousy doesn’t mean it’s not serious. It means you care.”

“I want to have a serious relationship,” I said, and then, as if confessing a second truth, “But I also want to be open. Because… well, because it’s fun. But I sometimes feel guilty, especially when I’m dating and he’s not. And when he’s dating, I’m happy for him. And sometimes I’m angry at the same time.”

I could hear my voice getting quieter. “I guess my question is… is this normal?”

She leaned back, set the brush down, and looked at me directly through the mirror. Her gaze wasn’t pitying. It was soft and steady, like she had sat across from this exact question in her reflection before.

“Of course it’s normal,” she said.

Rich and I lived in Seattle for only a year and a half, but it was the first time we met and became friends with people—individuals, and couples—who were navigating polyamory in all its forms. It was the first time we didn’t feel like the only ones.

We built a community there. One conversation, one awkward question, one glitter-dusted Pride Parade at a time. Although it took an embarrassing amount of Facebook scrolling to find this pic, here’s a photo of me from Seattle Pride that year. Yes, this is the makeup Sage did. And her hairpiece that I borrowed.

Sometimes all it takes is one person saying, “Of course it’s normal.” That’s the kind of space I want to hold for others now.

If you’re looking for that kind of company, we’d love to have you:

🗓️ June 22nd – Register for the event here »
🗓️ July 13th – Register for the event here »

Because you’re not the only one.