What I Unlearned Before I Could Open Up

And How Writing a Book Proposal Has Felt a Lot Like That Process

This Last week, I am finalizing finished my book proposal, a pitch that will (yes, will!) convince publishing editors that my book is worth publishing. Writing this book proposal has not been simple or easy.

Neither was opening our relationship—but more on that in a moment.

My vision is to create a book that intertwines my story with the lessons I've learned from opening up my marriage, aimed at being helpful for anyone in any relationship—especially the monogamous majority. It’s been a challenge. I’ve rewritten the proposal multiple times on feedback received from editors that rejected my proposal in the past, a freelance editor, my writing coach, my agent, and even my close friends. For the past two months, I’ve learned to refine my message, distill my experience, and make my ideas stronger. And I had to unlearn that there is only one ‘right’ way to write a book proposal. I feel like the pitch that I submitted is ‘right’ for this book.

It has also reminded me that opening my marriage wasn’t just about learning new things—it was about unlearning everything I thought I knew about love. Because my brain is still laser-focused on the book proposal for this week’s Substack, here is a sneak peek into Part 1 of the book and all the things that I needed to unlearn when opening up our relationship.

I Unlearned that Love is Finding ‘The One’

I grew up believing that love was about finding a fated soulmate—that perfect puzzle piece of a person. Even a few months into dating, I thought I had found him! So, when Rich initially brought up the idea of opening our relationship, I was horrified.

It wasn’t an ultimatum, but his question shattered my belief that he was ‘The One.’ I was angry, confused, and even embarrassed. I thought he loved me, and I expected a perfect relationship to be as simple as finding a perfect person.

He wanted to create our own rules for our relationship. He wanted to figure out what worked for us and build a partnership unique to us, not dictated by society, religion, or tradition. That was the first moment I thought that maybe strong relationships aren’t found—they’re built.

I Unlearned that My Partner Determines If I’m ‘Enough’

I grew up believing a partner would be my ‘better half.’ That was how all the happily married couples I knew referred to each other! That we would complete each other like two halves of fruit. But I wasn’t half a person. I was already a complete person on my own when I met Rich.

I had to unlearn that if my partner had interests and desires outside our relationship, it didn’t mean I wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t expected to ‘complete him’ and didn’t need him ‘to complete me’ either. With this realization came a freedom not only that I wasn’t expected to meet every single one of his needs for the rest of my life, but that also I had the freedom to seek out what I wanted to experience (even if he didn’t). We did not have to do everything together.

The modern expectation that a partner needs to be a lover, co-parent, and best friend sets the relationship up for failure if one person cannot fulfill every single one of their partner’s needs.

I had to unlearn the idea that my worth was something others—partners, society, or anyone else—were entitled to judge for me. I recently recorded a video about this in response to the comment, “Sad you’re not enough for your husband.” 

I Unlearned that There’s Only One ‘Right’ Way to Love

Given the limited information about polyamory and alternative relationships in 2010, we read everything we could find and spoke to Rich’s polyamorous friend, who shared her rules as a starting point.

When we first opened up, we experimented—kissing others, going on dates, and having a threesome. I hooked up with an ex at a wedding, he had a one-night stand, and we visited a swingers club. Our reactions to these events helped determine our boundaries and hone our communication to a level I had never experienced in a relationship.

In the process, I unlearned that there is only one ‘right’ way to be in a committed relationship, despite the beliefs inherited from my family and culture.

It was a deliberate yet messy feet-first jump into a new, undefined relationship style. Those early years of trial and error, poking and prodding, testing and explaining, led us to create agreeements for our relationship that felt unique to us.

I Unlearned that Agreements Should be ‘Fair’

We thought our rules had to be equal—but they just needed to be equitable. One of our first agreements was that if Rich hooked up with someone, he had to tell me within 48 hours. But I had to tell him beforehand if I hooked up with someone.

Why? Because when he told me beforehand, my overactive imagination took over, spiraling into scenarios where he ran away with a Brazilian supermodel or spent the night at the Playboy Mansion. (Spoiler: he was not.) But when he waited too long to tell me, it felt like my feelings weren’t considered. So we settled on 48 hours, and that was just right.

When I hooked up with someone else for the first time, I didn't plan to tell him until afterward, but I felt guilty in the moment! So I called him and talked him through my boundaries and intentions. I could relax and enjoy myself, and Rich liked knowing I was safe.

Fairness wasn’t the goal. What mattered was that our rules felt right for us. I also made a video about our initial communication rules last week.

I Unlearned that Jealousy = Love

I had to unlearn the belief that jealousy equates to love—that without jealousy, someone doesn’t really love you.

Jealousy often signals something else, such as insecurity, unmet needs, or an imbalance that requires attention. Some people feel jealousy intensely, while others experience compersion—joy in their partner’s happiness with someone else. I fall somewhere in between.

Jealousy is inevitable but manageable. When it surfaced, I trained myself to keep asking why—again and again—until I uncovered the root, which was often more about my own insecurities than my husband’s actions. Most importantly, I took ownership of my emotions. Jealousy was mine to understand, navigate, and resolve. But I didn’t have to manage it alone—Rich and I built a foundation of honesty and support that made it a shared effort.

While I once believed that jealousy signaled passionate desire, I learned that it more often signaled instability—either within myself or in our relationship.

I Unlearned that Divorce Is Failure

Despite years of challenging the notion that monogamy is the only valid path, I was surprised to realize I still wanted marriage. I wanted long-term commitment and companionship, as well as the medical, tax, and emergency benefits of a federally recognized union.

I loved our wedding ceremonies! We had two ;) For the second, I wore a long white dress, and my father walked me down the aisle. However, we removed the “forsaking all others” part from our vows. I decided that even if some of my friends and family were right—if our open relationship eventually led to divorce—that wouldn’t make it a failure.

I unlearned that divorce equates to failure. The love, the growth, the family we built—none of that would be erased by an ending. Reframing what qualified as a relationship failure helped us ensure ours would be successful.

By the end of this process of unlearning, I saw relationships—and myself—differently. I no longer sought external validation to determine whether my love, choices, or relationships were ‘right.’ I let go of the idea that success was measured by longevity or exclusivity.

I Unlearned that there is One ‘Right’ Way To Write A Book

And now? My third iteration of this proposal feels the most authentic to me. I sent it to my agent at the end of last week, and hopefully, it will land in the inboxes of publishing editors this week.

Like with my relationship, I hope the right publishing editor isn’t just someone I find but someone I can build a partnership with to create an even better book than I could write on my own.

But first, I have to find them! Then, when they read it, I hope they have plenty to learn.

Last week, I walked around London looking for Love Locks to photograph my idea for a proposal cover photo—a shiny new open heart lock surrounded by old, rusted locks on a ‘Love Locks’ bridge. I ended up not using the photo on the cover but on the back of the proposal, so I'm so excited to share the pictures here.