Thoughts | The Jealousy Spiral Scroll

Old Feelings, New Filters. When Instagram Triggered My Insecurities.

I recently migrated my not-so-monthly newsletter over to Substack to share more from my life and what I’ve learned through my non-monogamous marriage. Here, you’ll find monthly stories, video responses to letters from people opening up their relationships, and my course, A Couples Guide to Opening Up. I hope you’ll stay part of this new journey on SubStack with me.

Only a few years into my open relationship, my boyfriend (now husband) was about to visit his ex-girlfriend. The girl that got away. The one that could have been. I stormed around our apartment, slamming doors and shoving pots into the cupboards, reorganizing books, and moving furniture—productivity with the benefit of making noise. Loud noises—hoping he’d hear them across the Atlantic.

They didn’t have concrete plans to meet up, but I imagined she picked him up from the airport. I pictured them together, sharing a cup of tea in a cozy café or singing a duet on stage, reliving their days in a band. None of my jealous fantasies came close to reality because she got sick, and he never saw her. Their romantic rendezvous only occurred in my overly filtered imagination.

I didn’t know that yet, so I did what any not-so-sane girlfriend in a jealous rage would do: I stalked her Facebook page. This was 14 years ago. And I saw that she was… human. Admittedly, a very attractive human. With pictures of her with her nephew and grandma, in unflattering Halloween costumes, taking selfies with a dog licking her face. But real. And my jealous rage subsided. At least slightly. 

I thought I had left all jealous feelings about her behind, but as I sat down to write this today, curiosity got the better of me, and I checked her Instagram on a whim. Bad idea. Thankfully, Instagram didn’t exist 14 years ago because I don’t think my apartment back then would have survived. Long gone are her blurry, candid shots from first-generation smartphones. In every single Instagram photo, she. Is. Perfect.

Social media constantly invites comparison. If there is a person whose social media photos make you feel jealous, seriously, unfollow them. Jealousy triggers are random as they are—keep them out of your daily social feed.

It turns out that jealousy doesn’t disappear. I thought the jealousy would fade with time and confidence. But today, over a decade later, I just spent 10 minutes going through her wedding photos, pregnancy photoshoots, mommy-and-me pictures, and her collaboration Grammy nomination (yup, she has one, it’s framed). For a moment, I even wondered if she enjoyed motherhood more than I did. And then I had to shake myself out of it, slam down this laptop, and walk away.

Here I am, in my 40s, comfortable with my wrinkles and stretch marks, and suddenly convinced she doesn’t have either. What’s wrong with me? How did my old insecurities surface so quickly? I wish I could tell you that jealousy completely goes away in time. With confidence. With trust. And yes, all those things help.

And yet, a tiny idea will trigger me to go in search of that other woman—the one that really did get away long, long ago. And instantly plunge myself into a jealous spiral scroll. 

I have to remind myself that we put our best selves on social media. Her photos are real. But they’re real in the same way my photos of my kids and anniversary photos are real—the best moments. The perfect smiles. The three seconds the camera actually caught my children hugging. I can’t compare her highlights to the day-to-day logistical operations of family life. It’s not a fair comparison.

I don’t follow her on social media. I don’t need the noise. My house with two kids is loud enough.

Jealousy isn’t something to be ashamed of—whether it’s about a partner or an Instagram scroll. Use it as a chance to dig deeper, remind yourself that social media is a highlight reel, and be honest with yourself and your partner.